Technologic
by Nephthy-san
Summary: Vincent gets a cell phone…question is: can he use it?[post AC]
1. Vincent gets a phone

A/N: After watching Advent Children I noticed that a cell phone is really big deal, well in the case of Vincent anyway. Poor guy doesn't have one so I decided to give him one. Positive criticism and comments are well liked but flames will be ignored.

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 7 or Advent Children. And I also don't have a cell phone nor do I own any of the cell phone companies and brands being mentioned.

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Chapter one: Vincent gets a phone

The lone figure walked through the crowd ignoring the stares that followed his crimson cape, which hovered off of the ground and dramatically waved into the air. His red eyes focused. Vincent Valentine knew the reason why he was out of the creepy comfort of his dark mansion. He saw it in his dreams. It mocked him while he showered as he could hear a distant ring. It didn't help that everyone had it; it was like a plague that began to spread, making Geostigma look like the common cold.

'_You should get one that matches your eyes, I hear red is the new black' C_haos choked down a laugh.

'Shut it.' He snapped at the demon.

It was obvious that the object that brought Mr. Valentine such grief was a cellular phone.

He turned a scruffy looking corner and proceeded down the block where the shopping mall resided. It was all too crowed with people walking around with bags. This irritated him. The nerve of these individuals. He looked at the other side of the street and saw a dark alley full of stores that did not receive attention. Maybe it was because of the lighting that made it impossible to spot or the fact that it's the most violent part of the city where tourist get mugged and murdered that warned him not to go. He shrugged not seeing the technicality and veered in that direction.

Safety is not an issue when you're Vincent Valentine; technically, the man had a crew to back him up. That is if you want to count the demons that speak in tongues in his head that torment him by bringing up memories of his dead beloved and his failures. Yup, those were his 'peeps' and he doubted that in a fight he would lose, after all they can just take over his body and that would be the end of the argument right there.

The florescent light from the shop was hanging by a thin wire and it creaked as the air pushed it back and forth. He peered into the glass and saw what he was looking for. Opening the ringing door, he walked inside the shop and was surrounded by phones. There were all different types staring at him from their plastic prisons. He felt the need to watch them with suspicion, as if they could ring at any moment.

"Hello there!" a voice squealed. It almost made him jump from out of his skin. He turned around to face a young woman whose nametag referred to her as Sherry.

"I'm Tiffany! How can I help you?"

He raised an eyebrow at Tiffany hoping that she was covering for the other girl or at least knew that her nametag was different.

"I am looking to purchase a cell phone"

Her eyes lit up and he soon regretted his words. She took his hand and nearly dragged him to the front desk.

"We got a new shipment today! Lucky you!" she bent down and came up placing a silver suitcase on the counter.

She opened it to reveal five different phones that were in order from largest to smallest.

"Which one would you like?" she said leaning forward so that her cleavage could be seen.

"I don't know, they all serve the same purpose"

"Oh! You can't say that! You have to get the perfect phone!"

He was taken aback from her sudden outburst. She picked up the largest phone.

"Very well then,"

"Oh how about this one! It's a Nextel and it's worth 30000 Gil! It also doubles as a walkie-talkie and you can record images, take pictures, make music videos, see in infa-red and translate six languages. Isn't that cool?"

"A phone that can make a call would be nice," he said.

"Or how about this one!" she picked up another one. "It's from Samsung. It has a shiny metal cover, you can upload your e-mail, watch Television, listen to the radio, store 56473 telephone numbers, and best of all you can _see_ the person you are talking to."

"Then why do I need it if I can see the person I'm talking to, won't it make sense to set up a get together and chat?"

She gave him a blank stare as the information went in one ear and out the other.

"It has a shiny cover" she smiled.

He mentally slapped himself.

"This one is from Toshiba. It has diamonds incrusted in its cover, the perfect accessory for a bling-bling person like your self."

Vincent looked confused.

"It can record your voice and warn off intruders that are trying to steal or use your phone. It can also do x-ray scans, download music, play video games, I mean you should play Final Fantasy ™ awesome game, any way, it doubles as a flash light, a device to hit enemies with in a dark alley, you can wear it as a belt buckle, it has a complete volume of encyclopedias built in its memory and the meaning of life!"

Her face was pink and she took in a hungry breath.

"Are you sure that's even a phone?" he asked almost afraid of the tiny thing.

"Who is the expert?" she said still catching her breath.

Vincent was silent. If he said other wise he was afraid that she would attack.

"Oh look, this is from Toyota!"

He tried to ignore the fact that Toyota was a car company and the cell phone label said Square-Enix, but her voice seemed to over power common sense and distract him.

"It's the newest model and it can only be charged by your car battery, it doubles into a lighter, measure time and space,"

At this point Vincent doubted that she was talking about a phone anymore.

"Skhldhfoudhfkdufeoihrfkdjfd with alhfkadjfkdfha features, gfsafskdhfk shiny! Jdhfkadhfkads buttons!"

Her words ultimately made no sense to Vincent so he just nodded his head as strange sounds came from her mouth accompanied by an occasional squeal that stung his ears.

'_Let me kill her'_

'Tempting…very tempting…but no'

'_I demand that you release me! Or her endless chatter will destroy us all!'_

'Be patient chaos, we will overcome this'

"Hey, is that blood trickling down your ears?"

Vincent looked startled.

"Just kidding! My boyfriend says that when he says I talk too much, but I don't know why, I mean, I barely talk at all, I'm just a simple quiet girl from the country trying to make it…"

Vincent touched his ear. If she didn't shut the hell up then the crimson liquid would surely gush out making his head explode. Unfortunately death didn't come and he stood there feeling awkward because his legs were falling asleep.

"So what phone would you like?"

"The one that makes calls"

"Oh this one? well your no fun" she went down again and she came back up with a simple flip phone.

"Here's a T-mobile,"

"What does it do?" he eyed it suspiciously.

"You can change the background and have a different ring tone"

"And that's it?"

"Yup! Unless you want…"

"No!" he found himself almost shout. She was startled and jumped back. he cleared his throat and grew more composed. He stood up straight to keep 'I'm too cool for this $h!t' exterior intact.

"This one is fine. I'll take it" he said smoothly.

"Oh right then"

She charged him and he quickly handed her the necessary gil. She bagged the packaged phone along with a tiny thick booklet and charger.

"Wait, you have to fill in the paper work for what kind of plan your phone will get"

He could feel Chaos through his veins as his anger and annoyance pumped through his heart.

"Just give me something simple, the phone is for emergencies."

"Are you sure you don't want the…"

Vincent buckled as he could feel Chaos try to break free from his skin. He gripped the counter, letting his metal claw dig into the fine wood and she saw it chip before her eyes.

"Eep! Simple plan it is!" paled faced and shaking, she filled out the work for him.

"Done!"

Vincent stood up and politely smiled…he didn't smile, he just made his lips look thinner and thanked her. She told him that all he needed to do was turn it on at home and follow the directions on the instruction booklet which was in English, Chinese, Japanese, Spanish, French, German, and Lebanese. He didn't even know if Lebanese was even a language let along a country. He didn't care; at least he got a phone.


	2. Lost In Translation

A/N: Wow...I didn't think this would get so many...YAY! (clears throat) ok now that's out of my system, here is chapter two. I want to thank all everyone who has reviewed...you all get cookies.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7 or Advent Children. Also I don't own any of the companies that are mentioned or a cell phone. (sigh)

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Chapter Two: Lost in Translation

After getting home from the life-scarring ordeal, Vincent went to the study den near the dinning room. He sat down at the desk and with a snail like pace unpacked his new cell phone. He studied it. It was indeed shiny and when he flipped it open, the buttons looked crisp and glossy. He held the phone with his hand and carefully with his claw, he pressed one of the number buttons. His forehead almost broke in sweat as his claw like finger pressed another one gently. He didn't want to damage the phone, no; he would not go through an ordeal like _that _again. He was sure Sherry or Tiffany or what ever, was not looking forward to another trip if he broke it either.

He placed it gently on the fine oak table and picked up the small instruction booklet. Flipping through to the appropriate language his crimson eyes squinted trying to make out the instructions. He didn't know if it was the fact that he might need glasses due to his old age or the fact that the instructions were in a 7.5 font, he just knew then that he would never learn how to operate the phone if he couldn't read the directions.

The doorbell rang and with a sigh he stood up. He wondered who it could have been. Vincent opened the door and felt the cool air of the night rush inside. He looked and saw no one. He raised an eyebrow; he doubted that it was someone playing a joke. He shrugged and closed it and walked back to the study den. Upon reaching the room Cait Sith sat on the desk and jumped down at the sight of the tall dark man.

"Vincent!"

Vincent took another step forward.

"How did you get inside?"

"Um…..I came here…because my fortune telling powers told me to come to your aid! Yeah that's right! Fortune telling powers and what not!" he chirped and did a pose.

What Vincent didn't know was that Reeve had become quite obsessed with the former ex-Turk. He made sure that Vincent had a tracking device injected in the skin of his leg so that he could know where he was at all times. Reeve claimed that he wanted nothing more than to observe Vincent in his natural habitat….in some countries that's called stalking…but so far Vincent didn't know so it was completely legit.

Vincent looked at him suspiciously and rolled his eyes. He could use the cat doll thingy to help him in his mission to operate his phone.

"I need help with this" he showed Cait the small hand booklet.

"Can't ya read Vincent? You know it's not too late to learn how to read, in fact you aren't alone! A lot of people are illiterate! Like Cid and Barret! Wait…..well they _seem_ illiterate! But who cares! Vincent, with hooked on phonics we can do this!" he cheered

"I can read_ just_ fine" Vincent said controlling his blood pressure.

"Oh…"

"If you could please be patient then you will hear my problem"

Cait stared at him blankly.

"Now, can you read this" Vincent said showing him the booklet.

"Oh yeah! Sure!"

"Good, read it to me out loud so that I can follow along with the phone" Vincent spoke slowly so that Cait could take in every word he said.

"You can talk to me like grown ups do! I'm not retarded!" he pouted and took the book from Vincent's hand.

Vincent just rolled his eyes and picked up the cell phone. Cait cleared his throat and opened to a random page.

"Bienvenidos a las instrucciones del 8902 T-mobile, para prender tu teléfono por favor indica el botón manual para…"

"Cait, in English!"

"Oh! Sorry about that"

Vincent resisted the urge to punch the small robot into oblivion.

"Welcome to the instructions of the 8902 T-mobile phone. To turn on the said device, please press the button manually."

"Which button?"

"I don't know….guess!" he smiled

Vincent sighed and rubbed his temples a bit.

"Does this button have a name Cait?" he said through clenched teeth

"Nope!"

Vincent took a deep breath and let it out while counting to ten. Good thing he had those anger management classes to fall back on.

He decided that since the button was there to press them all and save time from guess. In a second the phone was turned on and he was welcomed by a bright plain screen.

"What is the next step?" he asked

"Ok step 2, now you have to plug in the adaptor into the phone into the green socket, then into the yellow one so that it can be powered until 6:00 pm. For two hours just stare at the screen. When that's over, plug the adaptor at 8:00 pm so that you aren't roaming. Then make a phone call while hopping on one foot to avoid static"

Vincent just stared at him.

"Cait, it has one black socket….are you even reading the booklet?

"Sure I am!" he said pointing to the page. Vincent saw the word French but Cait covered it up and kept going

"Now you have to go to Rocket Town and in a dark alley make a deal with a drug thug. Everyone knows that's how you buy the special phone card to dial the secret number. When you call you ask for a guy named Gary. Gary will tell you what you new cell phone number is…. That was step 5!" Cait looked up from the instructions manual and smiled.

Vincent raised an eyebrow at these weird directions.

"Can you tell me something that doesn't require me to leave my home?"

"Ok step 24! Sacrifice a lamb and use its blood to offer to the devil while selling your soul to a hooker to get free weekends!"

Vincent gave up on Cait and was just pressing random buttons hoping that it would lead him somewhere.

'_You're doing it wrong Vincent'_

'Chaos please, I'm trying to figure this out'

Chaos snorted.

'_Even a demon can operate a phone such as this one; all you have to do is press the SEND button'_

'I have nothing to send….and if I did I would have it post marked'

'**_You idiot! Vincent listen, just press the shiniest button and end all our misery'_** Hell Masker said trying to push Chaos out of the spot light.

"_NO VINCENT, PRESS THE LEFT BUTTON FROM THE RIGHT ON THE BOTTOM THAT'S NEXT TO THE NUMBER NINE BUT UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE NUMBER SEVEN. IT'S SO OBVIOUS TO THE NAKED EYE THAT, THAT IS THE BUTTON TO PRESS,"_ Galian Beast chipped in.

'Will you all be quiet?' Vincent yelled at his demons. He noticed that Death Gias was not present giving in his two cents. He either was asleep or just plain didn't care. Vincent went with the latter.

"_You imbecile that just turns off the phone'_ Chaos said ignoring Vincent's request.

"_**Hey, I know, just close the phone and open it up again"**_

"_THAT MAKES NO DAMN SENSE, IT'S OBVIOUS THAT HE HAS TO PRESS EVERYOTHER BUTTON FROM ONE TO FIVE IN THAT ORDER TO UNLOCK THE SECRET CODE AND THEN ADD NUMBERS EIGHT TO SIX BACKWARDS TO GET THE PASSWORD!"_

"And then….you press number five six times and number six seven times and so forth to call Tifa, who's not in the same plan as you so each call will be a lot of gil. And then you have to do the Macarena and then you have to let Reeve smell your hair. Then you have to unplug the phone and then let Reeve see you in the shower and then you have dial nine. After that you have to press send to make a call and then press end to stop the call" Cait said twirling around with the book in his hands. The sad thing was the robot cat was on the Chinese section.

It was all too much for him. He closed his eyes trying his best to concentrate.

'**_I say that he has to press the button on the side',_** Hell Masker said

"_THERE IS NO BUTTON ON THE SIDE!" _Galian Beast roared.

"_**There is too**"_

'_THERE IS NOT"_

'_**Is too'**_

'_IS NOT'_

'_**Is too'**_

'_NOT' _Galian Beast pushed Hell Masker to the side which in turn made Vincent fly out of his chair.

'_**Too!'**_

'_NOT!'_

'_**Too!'**_

'_NOT INFINITY!'_

'_**Infinity is not a number!'**_

'_YES IT IS! IT'S A NUMBER BETWEEN 40 AND 50'_

"_Vincent, ignore these moronic imbeciles and transform into me!' _Chaos yelled_ 'I will fix the phone'_

'**_No! Transform into me! I will fix it!" _**Hell Masker boasted.

"_THE HELL HE WILL! PICK ME VINCENT! ITS OBVIOUS I'M THE BEST ONE WHO CAN HANDLE A PETTY OBJECT"_

Vincent covered his ears trying to block out the arguing demons and Cait, who by this time had left the manual on the floor and was skipping around the room singing random instructions that made no sense and ridiculous things about letting Reeve touch him.

He fell to the floor as the demos inside of him began to fight over his body. He could feel the shift in his bones and his skin stretching. His jaw tightened trying to fight the urge to transform.

"**Look, how about I just smash the thing so you all shut the hell up**!" Death Gigas awoke, cranky from his nap.

Vincent couldn't take it anymore. He bit his lip so hard that a warm metallic liquid covered his taste buds. He tried his best at holding that last drop of sanity from falling into the world that seemed to go up in chaos around him.

He shot up from the floor.

"SHUT UP!" his voice was so loud that the china glasses in the dinning room shattered.

The room grew silent. Cait stopped in his tracks and his demons were quiet. For the first time in his life he felt like insanity was going to come down upon him.

Well there _was_ that one_ time _when the love of his life left him for a very short ugly man and gave birth to a monster bent on destroying the world; while the man sent him into his misery into a coffin for 30 years, leaving him to develop a deep thirst for revenge. But that was besides the point. Sure he developed a relationship of friendship with the demons that threaten to take over his body and soul while killing everything in sight BUT THAT WAS NOT THE POINT! Learning to operate a cell phone properly would surely make him end up in a padded white cell.

Cait looked at him and walked towards him with caution

"Vincent? Are you ok? You aren't going to transform are you?"

Vincent opened his eyes and saw the robotic cat. He stood up and dusted himself off.

"No, I'm fine"

"Good! Now on to step 5739743!

"No! I mean, that won't be necessary Cait, I appreciate the help, but I don't think I will get used to a cell phone"

"Hey don't say that! If Cid can do it then anyone can! Your phone is just like Tifa's…I have an idea, why don't you go to Tifa, I'm sure she can help!"

"I have no way of communicating with her"

"That's ok! I can tell her!"

"Then tell her I will be there on Tuesday"

"Don't worry Vincent! You can count on me" the cat saluted and was gone in a heart beat.

Vincent stretched and felt his muscles tense from the stress. He bent down and scratched the skin on his left leg and decided that a shower would rid him of the irritation. He dragged himself upstairs and stripped off his clothes in the bathroom. A hot shower was the only thing that could be considered a highlight to his odd day.

If you listened closely, in the distance you can hear a rustling in the trees as Cait blended into the darkness, ready to take pictures for his master.

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A/N: Thanks for reading and remember to review. Chapter 3: Tifa helps...sort of 


	3. RAGE

A/N: Sorry for the late update, but I've been so busy! I'm currently going through the college process a.k.a Satan's plan to destroy my life and it isn't easy. I barely have time to write with AP classes, college fairs, essays, and asshole counselors. Anyways I am very happy at the response this is receiving. It's worth it to see so many people happy and laughing because with life's problems we all take the pleasure at laughing at another's misery. Enjoy chapter Three!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7 or advent Children

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Chapter Three: R.A.G.E.

He quickened his pace when his crimson eyes caught sight of the bar. He scowled himself for being late, a _day_ late for his appointment with Tifa. If she was angry with him, she had every right to be, since Vincent Valentine was _never_ tardy. He just hoped that he didn't turn up becoming her punching bag. Yes, Vincent had a fear, and her name was Tifa Lockheart.

He walked in cautiously, hoping that the doors didn't give way to his presence. Around the establishment were some semi drunk men making dirty jokes. Chaos laughed but Vincent quickly shut him up. He walked up to the counter where the lovely Tifa was rinsing some beer mugs. She looked up and almost dropped a mug when she saw the mysterious man.

"Vincent? What are you doing here?" she said putting the mugs away and giving him her full attention.

"You mean you don't know why I'm here?" he asked seriously.

"Not really, is something going on?"

"I sent Cait with a message last week to inform you of my arrival on Tuesday."

He bore into her eyes and saw that she was beginning to connect all the information in her head.

"But today's Thursday." she said.

An awkward silence hung between them. All right then sue him, he was _two _days late.

He cleared his throat and decided not to dwell on the situation of him being two days late and in need of a calendar.

The sound of laughter and merriment erupted into the air, Tifa laughed too as Cait and Marlene came down playing together. Vincent looked lost, laughter? Merriment? It was strange; he decided to run some tests on the matter later.

He saw Denzel who was only some few steps away. He looked uneasy around the robot. In reality Cait freaked him out, it was a toy who's head turned an angry 360 degrees when it lost at rock paper scissors. You would think that after drawing rock and losing every round that the robot would catch on and change to another object.

Vincent's gazed narrowed towards Cait and if looks could have killed then the small cat would have combusted into flames already.

"Hi Vincent! How are you doing?" he chirped and posed. Denzel inched away, Marlene laughed.

Vincent tried to control his attitude since he didn't want to explode into a fit of vibrant colored words in front of the children, but he was considering it since they did hang out around Barret and probably cursed out a storm when no one was looking.

Tifa sensing the tension and seeing Vincent's eye twitch, walked around the counter and over to Cait.

"I heard you had a message for me?" she asked sweetly.

"Oh yeah! Vincent needs help with his ability to use the Cell phone! Also he's illiterate!"

"Why you little" Vincent almost bent down to choke the metal cat, a very out of character move, but hey the man can lose his patience.

Tifa stepped in and laughed nervously.

"I'm sure I can help you with the phone." she placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently.

"I'm happy for you Vincent! Give me your number when you're done!" Marlene said and tagged the metal cat who giggled and ran after her. Denzel sighed and followed. He wanted new friends.

Vincent calmed down and sighed. The climatic moment passed and it was no use turning into Chaos now. Tifa the forever knowing sensed his disappointment and went back around to fix him a drink. He shook his head when he saw the shot of whisky. Tifa shrugged and drank it for him.

"Now, what's the problem, I'm sure that Cait complicated things."

"Complicate isn't the right word." he said and took out the small object that was bringing him so much misery.

"Hey, I have the same phone; it's very easy to operate even with out the instructions."

Vincent for the first time in his life found hope in Tifa.

"See, you just press this button to turn it on…" she pointed to the green button with a tiny phone. "…and this button to turn it off." the button next to it had a tiny phone but had an X on it.

Vincent like a true pupil took it in.

"It's the same thing to take a call and end one," she gave him a small chuckle and smiled.

He felt great, finally an intelligent person he could talk too! Now, Vincent Valentine was not the type to actually stand up and frolic with joy when he was happy, but Tifa made him feel alive…or at least made him feel less stupid.

He felt like taking her hand and skipping around the bar with her. If he could only get over the fear that if he touched her in any way, like a hug, that he would get punched in the nads. She developed that defense mechanism from working at a bar for so many years and dealing with touchy-feely drunks. That and the fact that he _was _Vincent Valentine, the man with out any 'happy' feelings. But if he weren't so scared about his goods getting smashed Vincent would like SO hug Tifa.

"Thank you very much; I appreciate you taking the time to teach me."

Her cheeks grew a little pink and she took the phone in her hands. She cleared her throat and focused on the phone. Vincent had no clue what was going on, she only acted awkward and shy around Cloud. He wondered if she was having any problems in her love life.

"I guess I should show you how to call someone."

"Actually..."

"No! I insist! You came all this way, look I'll call Cloud." she said and fumbled with the numbers and put the phone to her ear.

He watched patiently as her face scrunched up and she dialed again. After a few more times she left a message.

"It's ok Tifa"

"Maybe he won't pick up since he doesn't know your phone number. I'll call from my phone." She reached in her pocket and took it out. Again she dialed but she only got the voice message recording.

"God Cloud what's so hard about picking up a phone?" she asked. Vincent reached to get his phone but she snatched it away and called again.

He didn't know why she was doing this to herself; it was only going to make her angrier.

"Maybe he is delivering something?" he said trying to give her some hope as to Cloud's neglect of picking up his phone.

"Delivering? He has the day off today. I swear if he's at the church…" she dialed again only this time the buttons screamed at the pressure she was administrating.

"Maybe he's…"

"I still don't know, it's been two years, you understand? Two years! Why can't he get over her? What was so great about her? Why can't he see that I love him!" she cried.

Vincent felt like he was trapped. He opened his mouth to answer but no sound came out.

Tifa hung up and called again.

"Can't he see that she can't give him what he needs? Vincent, who would you choose? Me or Aeris?"

"Um…."

How could he answer that question? If he said Aeris he could kiss his existence goodbye but if he said her then she would assume that he had feelings for her. Then _he_ would be the one avoiding the phone calls and he did not get a cell phone just for it to be ignored. It would mean that all the misery he went through was in vain.

"Well?" she asked with both phones at each ear. She looked serious and angry. Vincent felt like running away.

"Hello?"

"Cloud!" she almost yelled

Vincent sighed happy that the man in question finally answered the phone.

'_Personally I'll go with Aeris,'_ Chaos spoke up.

'Not now Chaos' Vincent spat.

'**_Really? Why Aeris?'_** Hell masker asked

'_She was very charming and had beautiful eyes'_

'I AGREE WITH CHAOS, PLUS SHE WORE PINK, A VERY FEMININE COLOR' Galian Beast roared.

'Will you three be quiet?' Vincent said. All he wanted to do was get his phone now that he knew how to use it.

It was a daunting situation. Tifa screaming in rage at two phones trying to talk to Cloud, who was simply saying 'Can you hear me now?' while Vincent was left with the decision to choose between her and a dead girl.

'_Come one Vincent who would you choose?' _Chaos' curiosity was getting to him.

'That is not of importance nor is it any of your business.'

'_Come on, I'm sure Lucia wouldn't mind.'_

'Her name is Lucrecia and how dare you!'

'AERIS WAS GENTLE AND KIND; TIFA RUBS OFF LIKE A BITCH.'

'**_She is not a bitch, just misunderstood,'_** Hell masker defended.

'YOU ONLY LIKE HER CHEST'

'_**At least she has a chest!'**_

'YOU BASTARD, AERIS WAS BEAUTIFUL AND HER BOSOMS WERE PLENTIFUL'

'**I like Yuffie' **Death Gias spoke for the first time.

There was silence. Even Vincent was thrown off by this comment.

'**What?'** he said finding nothing wrong.

'**_She's like twelve and looks like a boy you idiot' _**Hell masker felt like punching him for his stupidity.

'**Well technically she just turned eighteen and she looks cute'**

'REALLY? I HADN'T NOTICED, TOO BAD VINCENT ISN'T INTO HER'

'You imbeciles! They are my comrades. I will not have you talk about them in that manner'

'_Come on, if you HAD to pick one'_

'No'

'_Please?' _Chaos was not one to be polite but he just had to know.

'No!'

There was a roar filled with rage, Tifa squeezed her phone so hard that it cracked open, letting out the wiring and shiny bolts.

'We must leave' Vincent said.

'YES, I AGREE, I SENSE DANGER' Galian Beast added.

'_No, not until you admit it'_

'Fine'

The demons awaited his response.

'….Aeris'

'I KNEW IT!'

'**Jesus, what is it with you guys and dead chicks? I swear you and Cloud' **Death Gias said rolling his eyes.

'_I think it's BECAUSE they are dead that they are attracted to them, I mean no one alive to nag you and try to discuss feelings' _Chaos injected.

'EXACTLY! PLUS IT'S A GOOD EXCUSE TO AVOID CRAZY WOMEN LIKE TIFA'

'**_Hey!' _**Hell masker really liked Tifa.

'**Maybe it'll be a new trend, get a dead girl to dwell on and live life in misery…lots of chicks dig Angst right?' **Death Gias said.

The demons were shut up by the noise of Tifa slamming Vincent's phone over and over again on the counter.

"CAN." Slam "YOU." Slam "HEAR." Slam "ME." Slam "NOW?" she screamed.

Her face was a cherry red color. Vincent slowly stood up; he looked around and saw that the semi drunk men were now gone. They probably sobered up at watching Tifa rip a phone to shreds. Cowards. He wished that he had joined them.

She placed his phone on the counter and punched it with all her might. She looked unfazed as a pile of broken parts laid in front of them. He looked on in horror. Tifa sensing his fear looked at him and her rage melted away. Her face softened.

"I'm so sorry Vincent!"

He flinched when he saw her jump over the counter but she embraced him in a hug. A strong power hug, one that he couldn't return because he couldn't feel his arms. But at least she smelled nice, like strawberries.

"It's quite fine, I will get another phone" he said regretting his words. The thought of the girl at the store came to mind and he shuddered.

"No, it's not ok, listen, Cloud has an extra phone, why he has two phones and can't pick up one I will never know but go to him and I'm sure he will give you one of his" she said letting go.

"Thank you" he said backing away from her.

"You're welcome, and I'm sorry, I just lost my temper a bit" she laughed.

Vincent raised an eyebrow and wondered if he should leave a business card from his anger management classes. He decided against it because Tifa would probably feel offended and he didn't want to meet the same end his poor cell phone did. Instead he shook her hand awkwardly and left the empty bar.

He was angry and annoyed. He finally learned how to operate the phone and it was destroyed right before his eyes. He thought about going back and getting the same phone but the girl came to mind and he didn't want to deal with her or anyone like her for that matter. It was best to take Tifa's offer and go to Cloud. He turned right and proceeded into the darkness while his demons intelligently discussed if Tifa's breasts felt real from the hug. Vincent Valentine hoped and prayed at that moment that God would smite him and end his misery.

* * *

A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed. Thank you for reading and remember to review. Chapter 4: Cloud…may god help Vincent 


	4. Cloud Nine

A/N: I'm so happy everyone liked Tifa! And I'm very grateful for all the reviews, which makes this little author very happy and pumped to write. I figure I can update every two weeks until things smooth over in school so with out further ado here's chapter four, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7, Advent Children or any cell phone companies that I mention.

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Chapter Four: Cloud Nine

Vincent went to the spot most associated with Cloud and the word 'self pity'. He went to Aeris' church. He was surprised he didn't find Cloud rolling in the flowers talking about his 'light'. So his demons came up with a solution to his problem. Cloud was likely to be found in an area where there was basically no cell phone reception. And thus Vincent Valentine was now walking through the thick forest, where he was sure Cloud said was the place where Aeris was taking her infamous dirt nap.

He wasn't sure where the location of Aeris' grave was specifically and the florescent trees weren't helping him.

'_Vincent, are you lost?'_ Chaos asked.

'Of course not, I simply forgot where her grave is,' Vincent retorted.

Vincent made another turn and he ended up in an opening surrounded by the bright trees. They bothered him and he wished that deforestation would reach that part of the planet really soon. He looked around trying to find a suitable exit that didn't require him to trip through rocks and twigs. And he didn't want to get his red cape more torn up that it already was on branches. He took great pride in his gothic look, he didn't want to over do it and end up looking like a punk.

'_Admit it! You are lost' _Chaos said snorting down a laugh.

'Chaos please, I know where I'm going'

'_**What is it with men and directions?' **_Hellmasker asked.

'WELL TECHNICALLY HE CAN'T STOP AND ASK FOR THEM.' Galian Beast causally brought up.

'_**That doesn't excuse him from being lost now does it?'**_

'_What is he trying to prove anyway?' _Chaos asked.

'**The fact that he is Vincent Valentine, a man with hand-eye coordination and demonic voices that mock him on a daily basis bent on degrading him on every level possible by bringing up his tragic yet mysterious pathetic past.'** Death Gias interjected.

'DON'T FORGET LUCRECIA. SHE'S DEAD.'

'**Oh yeah I forgot, thanks Galian Beast.'**

'YOU ARE WELCOMED MY FRIEND.'

Could his ears possibly be deceiving him? How dare they talk about him like he wasn't there! They lived in his head for God sakes.

'MAYBE WE SHOULD DRAW UP A MAP OF THE AREA SO THAT VINCENT CAN READ IT TO GET HELP' Galian Beast was very proud of his idea.

'**_Why? Didn't Cait say he was illiterate?' _**Hellmasker asked remembering the dancing robot.

'What makes you think he'll look at a map when he won't admit he's lost' Chaos said

"QUIET!" he yelled.

He took in deep breaths and counted to ten, then fifteen, and finally twenty. His body shivered as it gave off a heat that was battling the cold air around him. There was silence in his mind and he hoped that his outburst had scared the demons into submission.

'PSST…DO YOU THINK HE KNOWS WE WERE CONVERSATING ABOUT HIM?' Galian Beast whispered or at least tried to.

That was the last straw. He geared up, feeling his throat tighten up with rage as he prepared himself to give every demon a well deserved talking to. He didn't care if they were his 'peeps'. They just crossed the line and broke rule number 6 of the 10 friendship rules they set up after a drunken game of Parcheesi some months ago.

Vincent felt a hand on his shoulder and he violently spun around to meet the person who dared interrupt his dramatic outburst.

"Vincent? What are you doing here? Is something going on?" Cloud asked.

"No, I am here to merely acquire the extra cell phone you have."

Cloud gave him a blank stare. Vincent sighed.

"Do you have an extra phone I can borrow?" he said in a monotone manner.

Soon the words made more sense to Cloud and he smiled.

"Of course! Why didn't you ask me that before?" he questioned.

Vincent had a sudden urge to slap him. Instead he cleared his throat.

"Come, let's get out of here, I know a spot where we can hang out" Cloud seemed like he hadn't been in human contact for a while.

They made their way to a pond, which oddly looked familiar to Vincent.

"Aeris, honey, I brought Vincent." he said shoving some leaves with his foot. "Sorry the place is such a mess" he smiled.

Vincent raised an eyebrow his behavior. He surveyed the area more and then it all clicked to him. This was where Cloud told him he had buried the flower girl. When Vincent told him that after a while a dead body retains water and floats, Cloud being a sensible man, swam to the bottom of the pond. He tied a large rock to Aeris' body and now the poor woman had no choice than to be worshipped by necrophiliac.

"I hope you don't mind that this phone has water minutes," he said giving his extra phone to Vincent.

"Water minutes?" he hoped that it wasn't some new technological movement that he wasn't _yet again_ aware of.

"Yeah, for when I want to call Aeris."

There was a silence between them as Vincent took a small step back from the blond young man.

'**_Poor Cloud, holding on to the slim chance that the love of his life will come back to him,'_** Hellmasker said.

'She's deceased, the man is insane.' Vincent replied.

Chaos snorted.

'_This coming from a man with demons in his head.'_

'But look at him.' he gestured towards the edge of the pond.

Cloud at the moment was throwing petals at the water singing a song about him and Aeris K-I-S-S-I-N-G in a tree followed by an off key line about marriage and a baby carriage.

'**At least he's creative in mourning her, all you do is reminisce about your past and sob over the fact that Lucia picked a short unattractive bobby head to procreate with instead of you'**

'Her name is Lucrecia!'

**'Same thing'** Death Gigas said rolling his eyes. 

'BUT WHEN YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT, CLOUD'S PAST CAN'T MEASURE UP TO VINCENT'S. HIS PAST RELIES ON MOURNING A WOMAN WHO WOULD NEVER LOVE HIM WHILE CLOUD MOURNS A WOMAN WHO HE COULD HAVE SAVED BUT DIDN'T FOR THE FACT THAT HE THOUGHT SEPHIROTH'S SWORD WAS LONG AND SHINY. AND LET'S NOT FORGET THAT CLOUD'S MEMORIES RELY ON ZACK WHO AERIS ACTUALLY FANCIED AND THE REAL REASON WHY SHE WAS ATTRACTED TO CLOUD. LETS FACE IT; HE RESEMBLED ZACK IN LOOKS BUT NOT IN SMARTS OR CHARM.' Galian Beast explained.

'Yes, yes, but what is the point of your useless knowledge?' Vincent asked tapping his foot.

'**He's saying that Cloud is a bigger dumbass than you.'**

Chaos laughed. Vincent didn't know whether to feel offended or completely relieved that he wasn't Cloud. He went with the latter.

Vincent looked at the phone that he was given. He had to admit that it looked cool and when he flipped it open it lit up brightly.

"It's a P900iV made in some foreign place called Japan or Toshiba something like that."

Somehow Vincent had a feeling of Dejavu.

"It can tell time, make calls, end calls and best of all it can ring"

"Isn't it supposed to do that anyway?"

Cloud gave him his signature blank stare.

"It has shiny numbers!"

Vincent sighed as Cloud continued to list more useless features. How did he end up the ninth circle of hell?

"It can be a flashlight, flip over and take pictures, provide a radio signal, summon Bahamut, record my voice, plant flowers, avoid Tifa, make my deliveries…"

He gave up on listing to him and began to press random buttons again. It annoyed him that his fingers slipped over the shiny buttons and it pissed him off to see that the buttons were locked. Cloud had stop talking and was now asking questions.

"Vincent, do you think people will notice that the whole thing with Geostigma was cheaply solved?"

"I don't know Cloud" he said pressing more buttons.

"I mean the cure came out of no where and why didn't Aeris cure it before, why did she had to wait until I got it?"

"Cloud?" Vincent found something that maybe Cloud could explain.

"Why didn't I use a Phoenix Down or White Materia when Aeris died?"

"Cloud!"

"And why won't Tifa leave me alone? Doesn't she know that I'm a guy mourning over the death of the love of my life and will come to her when I realize that she has always been there for me and then let her decide it's too late, making me mourn over her lost and commit suicide?"

"Cloud!"

"Well, I don't know about the suicide part…hm….do you think Yuffie is single?"

"Cloud!"

"Oh! Vincent! What are you doing here?"

Vincent resisted the urge to smite him. He sighed and pointed to a bright green button on the phone.

"Can you show me what does this button do?" Vincent asked pointing at a green button hoping that by doing this he could get Cloud to explain something useful.

"Hm…I don't know, never really noticed it before."

"It's bright green."

"I wonder what it does?" he said scratching his chin.

"You mean you have _two_ of these phones and you _don't_ know what this button does?"

"Umm….no?" he said hoping it was the right answer.

Vincent growled but was interrupted from transforming when the phone in his hand rang. He almost dropped it from the vibration. He looked at Cloud in hopes that he knew what to do but Cloud just stared back with a blank pale face.

"Aren't you going to answer it?" Cloud asked.

"It's your phone" Vincent said and throwing the phone to Cloud, who fidgeted with it and threw it back.

"But you want it."

"I wish not to answer it."

"But Tifa is scary and clingy!"

They played hot potato with it until Cloud, being the sensible man that he was, threw it in the pond. There was an eerie silence between them as they saw the bright object slowly dim and sink to the bottom. Cloud scratched the back of his head and laughed slightly.

"Um…sorry?"

Vincent's eye twitched. He just lost another phone in less than twenty minutes.

'**Get ready boys, looks like we're shopping for another phone.'** Death Gigas mused.

Chaos screamed.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading and remember to review. Chapter 5: techno Yuffie…yes the Yuffie chapter 


	5. Sleepover

A/N: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and let this story reach over 100 reviews. I don't know if this is funny since I've read it like a million times but here is chapter 5. (Special HUGE thanks to Paper Bear for catching my mistake on one of Vincent's Demons, thanks pal)

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7, Advent Children, Barry White and any of the companies mentioned.

* * *

Chapter Five: Sleepover

After Vincent politely escorted Cloud to the nearest cell phone store at gunpoint, he was now in the creepy comfort of his mansion. The store didn't have the phone that Tifa had successfully taught him the directions to. And so he dropped Cloud off at the church and wanted nothing more than to go to bed and get some well-deserved sleep.

After a relaxing hot shower, Vincent came out toweling dry his long hair. He felt a cold draft from the window near his bed and wondered if he indeed left it open before he went to the bathroom. He shrugged and went over to close it. Going to his dresser, he retrieved his lotion and turned towards the bed where Cait was standing. Vincent almost dropped the bottle.

"Hi Vincent!" the robotic cat chirped.

"Cait, what are you doing here?" he asked holding tightly to the towel around his waist.

"You said we could have a sleepover don't you remember?"

Vincent raised an eyebrow.

What Vincent yet again didn't know, was that Reeve, to complete his Vincent Valentine collage, wanted nude pictures since he knew that Vincent slept naked.

"Cait, I never said you could come here."

"Yes you did! Remember?"

_Flashback_

_Cait was in Reeve's office where a framed picture of Vincent Valentine stood on the desk. Cait jumped on his master's chair and stood in front of the picture._

_"Hi Vincent!"_

_Silence._

_"So... how are you?"_

_Silence._

_"Great! Can we have a sleepover?"_

_Silence._

_"Yay! I'll be there at ten tonight!"_

_End Flashback_

"See, you told me so!" he said and began to dance and sing about sleeping in bed with him.

Vincent sighed. There was no use in arguing if the freaky robot was going to do it anyway.

**_'What exactly is a sleepover?'_** Hellmasker asked

**'I'm surrounded by idiots I swear,'** Death Gigas said annoyed by the question.

'WELL, A SLEEPOVER IS WHEN UNDERAGED WOMEN GET TOGETHER IN ONE BEDROOM TO CONVERSE ABOUT IMPORTANT ISSUES LIKE BOYS, POP CULTURE AND WHICH SHIRT GOES WITH WHAT SKIRT,' Galian Beast roared.

_**'So why is it called a sleepover?'**_

_'Because they sleep in the same bed you imbecile'_ Chaos said rolling his eyes.

**_'Do they sleep naked like Vincent does?'_** Hellmasker asked.

**'God I hope so,'** Death Gigas smirked.

'Will you all stop being ignorant and perverted?' Vincent asked trying to tame them.

**_'Hey, since we all live in Vincent's head and in a sense sleep in the same bed, don't we have sleepovers?'_** Hellmasker asked

'TECHNICALLY WE DO HAVE SLEEPOVERS SINCE WE ACCOMPANY HIM ON THE ROAD HIS PATHETIC EXISTANCE GOES THROUGH. ALSO WE HELP HIM DECIDE WHICH FEMALE COMRADE IS THE PRETTIEST'

**'I still think Yuffie'** Death Gigas voiced.

'SILENCE, I'M TRYING TO PROVE A POINT'

'Will all of you stop? We do not have sleepovers! You are merely parasites that are living in my mind trying to destroy my being by bringing up tortured past involving the love of my life!'

There was a silence in his head and Vincent felt proud that maybe these demons were getting the idea of his profound pain.

_'With an attitude like that I don't think you should come to our sleepover.'_ Chaos said.

Before Vincent could answer the doorbell rang. He turned and gave Cait a sharp look who only giggled and did some type of pose.

"I invited Yuffie to our sleepover!"

Vincent paled at the mention of her name; he rushed towards his closet and quickly put on anything that would cover his body. He went down stairs and took a deep breath; he didn't want to look like he was going to have a heart attack. He was Vincent Valentine, if he was going to have an anxiety attack he wanted to look cool doing it.

He opened the door and what awaited him surprised him. Yuffie did look different, she was taller and her body finally lost its stick figure complex. What stood before him was a young woman and not the annoying brat that tormented him during their journey.

"Hi Vinny!" she jumped on his and gave him a bone-crushing hug. At that moment Vincent came to the conclusion that looks were definitely deceiving.

She let him go and went to get her sleeping bag that was ten times her size.

'**_Hey, Yuffie does look different'_** Hellmasker said surprised.

'YES, HER BOSOMS LOOK QUITE FRUITFUL' Galian Beast joined.

'_**But her butt is too small, I still think Tifa'**_

'**Yuffie' **Death Gigas said sternly.

'_**Tifa!'**_

'**Yuffie!'**

'_Aeris!' _Chaos didn't want to be left out.

'_**Tifa!'**_

'**Yuffie!'**

"Silence!" Vincent yelled already feeling the vein on his forehead ready to pop. He wished he had his stress ball so that he could squeeze all his problems away.

Yuffie looked startled and took a step back. The silence was thick enough to choke on and he cleared his throat regretting that he was even alive.

'**Great the first chick since Lucia who comes to him willingly and he blows it.' **Death Gigas said rolling his eyes.

"Well…. I heard about the sleepover you were having from Cait and I decided to come for the party" she said with a smile.

"I'm sorry to inform you but Cait has lied. There is no sleepover."

"Really?" she said her face going soft. "But I came all this way."

Her eyes got all glazed and big and she began to pout, it was the 'pretty please let me in' look he usually got from stray animals.

'**_Awww, how can you say no to that cute face?'_** Hellmasker asked

'**How can you say no to that chest?'**

'Death Gigas!' Vincent scowled.

'**What?'**

He sighed; knowing that arguing with the ninja would result in her coming in anyway.

"Come inside Yuffie, it's too cold."

She quickly wiped the frown off her face and ran past him. He closed the door and went upstairs to his room where his night was surely going to begin. When he opened the bedroom door he saw that Yuffie was already unpacked. On his bed were a variety of objects that he had never seen before in his life.

"Vinny! Here!" Yuffie said giving him a small metal object that was the size of a stick of gum.

"What is this?"

"Your new phone! Cloud called me up crying, saying he dropped the phone he was going to give you in Aeris' house."

Vincent looked at this 'phone'. It only consisted of two bright buttons and a small screen.

"Yuffie are you sure this is even…"

"Of course Vinny, it's made to make things easier in life, plus its sooo cute!" she said.

He looked towards the bed and looked at the other objects. He pointed to one that looked similar to her phone only it had some headphones tied to it.

"What is that?"

"Oh that's my ipod-mini-nano!'

Vincent raised an eyebrow.

"It plays all types of music and hold up to one thousand songs, go on the web, talk to my peoples in Wutai, and show music videos!"

"Yuffie can I use it?" Cait said jumping up and down on the bed

"Sure!"

Vincent ignored the robotic cat and looked at the other objects she had brought along with her. He picked up a flat rectangular object that had the letters DVD.

"Oh that plays movies! And it can record what you want from the TV and burn CDs" she said and plugged it into the outlet. She also plugged in the charger for a camera, a small television, a laptop, a radio, and a cable box. The point was the outlet was now beginning to spark.

Vincent was trying to figure out the science of the tiny object that now rested in his claw. It was so tiny.

Cait was too busy using Yuffie's ipod-mini-nano and began dancing and singing a song with his microphone on Vincent's bed.

"_Fever, fever, baby I got the fever_," he sang in a low deep voice.

Vincent had trouble placing the lyrics to the artist who wrote them. But if he had been paying attention to the 80s, instead of mourning the death of the woman who would never love him, then he would have learned that Cait was singing a Barry White song. Which Reeve programmed into his hard drive to one day seduce Vincent with sexy songs by a black dude and a deep voice.

"Can you help me use this phone?" he asked Yuffie who was done plugging in the rest of her electronics.

"Sure! It's all easy once you get the hang of it!" she smiled.

"How does it work?"

"Well, you press the right button two times to get the menu screen and to scroll down you press the left button three times. Then and only then can you access the call guard which allows you to make a three minute call but pressing the following code: right, right, right, left, left, right, left, right, right, left, left, up, left, right, left, up, down, left, right, right, right, left. Then you can call who ever you want as long as you can do it within twenty seconds and enter this code: right, left, left, right, right, right, left, down, right, left, right, right, left, right"

"Yuffie breathe!" he said noticing her face going beet red from the lack of oxygen.

She took in a deep breath and let it out. He looked at the small object in his hands and thought it would just end up making life more complicated.

"Oh man! No more music" Cait pouted not knowing that he was singing wasn't even singing along with the songs.

He jumped off the bed and walked towards the outlet, which was now smoking. Yuffie looked up and her eyes grew wide.

"Cait no!"

Vincent looked up and saw the robotic cat plug in the ipod-mini-nano. It shook violently as it was electrocuted and its head began to spin. The robot was walking around drunkenly trying to take control over its body.

Vincent stood up with Death Penalty in his mind.

"Don't worry Vinny, I'll save you!" Yuffie yelled throwing her over sized ninja star towards the cat, but this is Vincent Valentine and Karma is one mean bitch. The star did a boomerang move and flew back towards Vincent's head.

* * *

Vincent woke up the next day surprised that his home wasn't on fire. He sat up and felt something strange below his waist. He looked down to see that Cait's face was buried into his crotch. He froze, afraid that if he moved Cait would turn on again and shock his goods with one thousand volts with electricity. 

'**Vincent! You sick bastard,'** Death Gigas shouted.

'**_Eh, you learn something new every day, Tifa's clingy, Cloud's crazy, Yuffie's hot and Vincent likes to 'play' with toys.' _**Hellmasker said indifferently.

'What are you implying? I didn't touch it!'

'_When you think you know someone,' C_haos shook his head '_it's always the quiet ones.'_

'_VINCENT, I SUGGEST YOU GET HELP, IT'S NOT HEALTHY FOR A MAN YOUR AGE TO MOLEST A TOY ROBOT. MAYBE YOU SHOULD BEING TO DATE THE FEMALE SEX SO THAT YOU CAN RELEASE THE TENSION…UNLESS OF COURSE THE MALE SEX IS MORE TO YOUR LIKING THEN I WILL UNDERSTAND.' _Galian Beast said

'Are you insane? I didn't touch it and Lucrecia is the only one for me!'

'**I'm sure Lucia is somewhere in the life stream banging the day lights out of Hojo while thinking of you.'**

'_Burn!'_

Death Gigas and Chaos high-fived each other.

'**_Guys that wasn't nice'_** Hellmasker said in a motherly tone.

'THE FIRST STEP TO THE ROAD OF RECOVERY IS ADMITING THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.' Galian Beast roared.

Vincent heard something stir and turned his head to look. The flash of Yuffie's camera blinded his crimson eyes.

He rubbed them until he was able to see clearly again and saw Yuffie with the picture in her hands.

"Yuffie, you wouldn't" he asked hoping that the ninja wouldn't damage his 'I'm too cool for this $h!t' reputation.

She smiled and pocketed the picture. Blackmail was such a beautiful thing.

* * *

A/N: thanks for reading and remember to review. Chapter 6: Barret's one smooth MoFo. 


	6. Technologic

A/N: Sorry for the really late update! Been busy and laziness took hold and such. But nonetheless the Barret chapter is here. I changed the title and switched it with Yuffie's if anyone cares to know. I want to thank Lastcetra for spotting some grammar mistakes in chapter 5. I am very grateful about the reviews and I hope everyone has a great time reading this.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7 nor Advent Children.

* * *

Chapter Six: Technologic

After signing away his soul in blood and giving Yuffie all of his materia, Vincent took the 'naughty' picture of him and Cait and burned it to hell where it belonged. He sighed in relief that no one would never know about the horrendous sleepover.

Meanwhile out side, unbeknownst to our dark gun man, Cait had done some cute happy dance that made Yuffie go 'aw' and give him the negative of the said 'naughty' picture. He ran quickly to give the results to his master.

Vincent decided that today he was depressed. Not depressed as in 'the only woman I have ever loved rejected me for some crusty looking loser who infected me with demons that have the combined IQ of Cloud' No. It was more along the lines of 'I'm such a pathetic loser who will probably go insane from all of this and will probably have to call a mental institution but can't because I can't dial the number let alone hold a phone correctly and what's the point because the demons are in my head and they bother me all the time by making me choose between my comrades and asking ridiculous boob questions'. The dude was down and he did what anyone in his situation would have done a long time ago.

He went to get drunk.

Well not necessarily. He was scared to get drunk for the fact that it would lead him to perform a lewd act (sponsored by his demons) that would earn him a good punch in the nads from Tifa. And so he sat at the counter with a manly look on his face and a banana daiquiri decorated with a pink umbrella beside him. Because you know, it's what men drink to feel empowered or whatever.

He felt a tug on his cape and looked down thinking it was caught on something.

"Hi Vincent,"

The object that was holding his cape was Marlene. Beside her stood Denzel who looked pretty happy since they weren't hanging out with Cait for the day.

He nodded his hello not really finding anything to say. What he could say to a child? 'Do you want some candy?' Yeah, that would earn him major brownie points in the pedophile community.

"Oh Vincent what's wrong? You look sad." Marlene pouted.

Denzel raised an eyebrow to this comment and then shrugged. Vincent looked the same to him.

"I am afraid that I have not been able to operate a cell phone properly."

It was embarrassing to admit that he couldn't do something that even Cloud could do.

"Well then maybe daddy can help. He makes lots of things and he…"

Vincent tuned her out at the moment. He did remember her mention that Barret took up the hobby of inventing things when he babysat her a long time ago. He remembered her bringing the subject up and tuning her out after the first couple of sentences. He wasn't the type to really care for children.

"…and he can help you with your cell phone."

He came back from his thoughts and ignoring her and raised an eyebrow.

"He can?"

"Sure he can? Weren't you listening?"

He looked towards Denzel for help, who merely looked away. The boy had tuned her out not long after Vincent.

"Of course," he said and stood up "If you will excuse me, I will go in search of your father."

"Good luck Vincent!"

But Vincent walked on without hearing her and went in search for Barret.

* * *

He didn't expect to see so many gadgets and shiny objects in the supposed 'love shack' (which Barret painted on the door with some backwards letters) in where he invented various things and what not. 

"Where you at?" Barret asked with his mechanical hand in front of his face.

Vincent raised an eyebrow.

"Barret, I'm right here" he said hoping to make his dark presence more known.

"Foo' I ain't talkin' to yo cracka ass bitch."

He looked behind him to see if Barret was talking to someone behind him. Finding no one, Vincent became offended. He was no one's cracka ass bitch but his own!

"Oh hey Vincent what can I do for ya" he said in a friendly tone.

That was when he noticed that Barret wasn't talking to him but his hand which was tricked out and iced out with the hottest upgrades known to man. It morphed back into a hand after taking a cell phone form. The demons 'ooed' and 'ahhed' at the mechanical hand and its hotness.

Vincent cleared his throat.

"I need your assistance…"

"Oh so you think since I'm **Black** that I gotta help your worthless ass? You automatically _assume_ that I gotta drop everything, even if it's important for the progress of my race, to help you with a stupid problem? I ain't no Uncle Tom! I ain't no house **slave**! My people did not suffer 900...

"400" Vincent interjected.

"That's what I said! 400 years of slavery under the white man only to be brought back because ya need 'assistance' my people ain't stupid. Some day my people will be free, etc, etc, etc, Black power! "

'**Right on my brother!' **Death Gigas shouted holding a fist in the air.

'**_You're black? Hm…I didn't know that'_** Hellmasker said interested in this new fact of his comrade.

'**Of course I'm black dumbass, I'm straight from the Deep South, you know between the seventh and eighth levels of hell.'**

'**_Oh, I think my aunt lives there'_** Hellmasker said rubbing his chin.

'**Dude, the one that makes the sugar cookies?'**

'_Those cookies are good' _Chaos smiled imagining them.

'WILL SHE BE ABLE TO GIVE US THE RECEPIE?' Galian Beast asked.

'SILENCE!' Vincent thought at them. He didn't want Barret to be angry with him so he needed a clear and _quiet_ mind to choose his words carefully.

"Barret, I heard you have a superior intelligence in the technology field and I thought that a simpleton like me would need your great intellect to operate a phone."

They stood in silence. Vincent held his breath hoping that Barret wouldn't break out into another Malcolm X routine.

"Oh! My bad. Why you ain't say that in the first place? Don't worry I got you. I'll hook you up with the hottest phone eva!"

And Vincent took in a breath. He saw Barret disappear to the back of the shop.

'**Yo guys, did you see Barret's arm? It's so blazing son! All tricked out and what not, his pimp juice gotta be in the zone for real.' **Death Gigas said

'Stop acting black, you sound like a complete buffoon.' Vincent scowled.

'**Hey, don't hate the player, hate the game biotch!'**

'**_Vincent, I never knew you were racist'_** Hellmasker said feeling some hostility in the air.

'I'm not racist!'

'_He's just jealous that Barret possesses a far better arm than him' _Chaos said rolling his eyes.

'I have nothing to be jealous about.' Vincent said crossing his arms

'WELL WHEN YOU BREAK IT DOWN YOU DO HAVE TO BE SOMEWHAT ENVIOUS. BARRET'S ARM IS OBVIOUSLY MORE ADVANCED SINCE IT ISN'T HORRIBLY DISFIGURED AND MADE OUT OF CHEAP METAL AND PLASTIC. BARRET'S ARM CAN TRANSFORM INTO MANY USEFUL TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS SUCH AS A PHONE. WHICH I MIGHT ADD, YOU FAIL TO COMPREHEND EVERYTIME. AND THAT MY FRIEND IS CALLED IRONY' Galian Beast said triumphantly

'That is not ironic' Vincent snorted and rolled his eyes.

'I BEG TO DIFFER' Galian Beast sang mockingly.

'**_How is it ironic Galian beast?'_** Hellmasker asked

'VINCENT FAILS TO LEARN SOMETHING THAT EVEN CLOUD CAN DO'

'_**Ohhhh'**_

Vincent wanted to change the subject. He really didn't want the demons to discuss how Cloud made Vincent look like the bigger dumbass when it came to a phone.

'My arm can assist me in many important matters that are advanced.' He said proudly.

'**Scratching your ass is not a technological achievement.'**

'_Burn!'_

Vincent pouted as the demons laughed as him.

Barret came back from the back with a head set and a small device connecting to it. Vincent could only guess that he invited it, after all there were still wires sticking out of some places and it looked like it violated at least sixteen different safety codes from twenty six different countries.

"This here is my baby. It a Marlene is daddy's lil' princess 8097." Barret said pushing the head set at Vincent. He took a step back from the man. He doubted it was safe to even look at let alone try on.

"Try it on!"

With Barret it was more of a demand than a suggestion.

"On the second thought…" Vincent began but his words became the trigger for another 'Know why? Cuz I'm black' rant from Barret.

"Oh so just because a **Black** man invented something you gotta automatically _assume_ that it can't be trusted? My people did not go through 700…"

"400" Vincent interrupted.

"…**400 years** of being put down by the white man only to be put down again because what we make with our own blood, sweat and tears isn't good enough! Just because I'm **Black** don't mean I'm a power hungry sneaky (insert racial slur here) don't mean I ain't worth nothing! I'm black God damnit! I'm strong, intelligent, courageous, etc. etc. etc. Black power! Can you feel Jesus?" Barret bellowed.

'**Amen!'**

'Death Gigas!'

'**What?'**

Vincent felt a headache coming on and opted to just go through it and learn how to operate Marlene is daddy's lil whatever 8909830239. He took the head set from Barret (who smiled cheekily) and put it on his head. He hoped that the loose wires didn't get tangled into his silky soft locks. That would mean that he would have to buy an extra bottle of hair treatment to fix the tarnished and emotionally scarred hair. His metro sexual Goth look didn't come cheap.

"How does this work?"

"Well first you got to plug it in over there." Barret said pointing to an outlet that had one too many plugs sticking out of. It reminded him of the sleepover on how the outlet sparked electrical confetti

Vincent paled…as pale as a man of his complexion could get pale.

He gulped and walked ever so slowly near it.

'_Come on Vincent what are you so scared of?' _Chaos mocked.

'You idiot, I have metal on me,' Vincent retorted.

'**Oh you mean your crappy arm? Don't worry about; the metal is so cheap that it won't do anything.' **Death Gigas said now out of his black mode.

'**_But wasn't Cait made out of similar metal? He was knocked out in the sleep over.'_** Hellmasker said

'**But the difference is Hellmasker is that Cait's metal is real'**

'**_Oh ok'_**

'VINCENT, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, TRUST US, YOU ARE SAFE' Galian Beast said confidently.

Vincent ignored them and plugged in the plug. The next thing he knew a hot jolt went through his body. He shook violently and an explosion (set off by his 'cheap' arm) propelled him clean across the room.

'_**Hey! So that means his metal isn't cheap right guys?'**_

Vincent blacked out.

* * *

Vincent woke up and scowled God for not taking his life. He sat up and felt his poor muscles scream. His hair (which takes him like forever to comb) was now frizzy and smelt burnt.

"Vincent! You're ok!" Marlene said coming up the stairs and standing near the bed he was put into. Denzel came behind her and he winced at Vincent's hair. Vincent wanted to cry. Was his metro sexual hair that bad?

"What happened?" he asked

"Well you tried to plug in daddy's new phone and got electrocuted."

"Really?" he said. He honestly didn't remember or at least didn't want to.

She nodded.

"And after you stopped having a seizure and began to foam at the mouth, daddy brought you in and told Tifa to 'take care of this foo' and here you are!"

Vincent looked at Denzel who had a blank face. He guessed the boy tuned out after Marlene spoke. He sighed.

"Aw, don't worry Vincent; I'm sure I can help you to learn to use a phone"

Somehow Vincent was inclined to take her up on her offer but he knew that if he did, his life would be made easier and relaxed.

But he was Vincent Valentine after all, and his life was meant to a confusion abyss of pain, torture, suffering and insanity. With unsupportive demons and a dead woman who didn't want him, how could he end perpetual loop that God and that bitch Karma had so kindly planned out for him? He politely declined her offer.

"Hey! Daddy said that he can fix your arm!" she cheered.

Vincent looked at his now semi-melted claw and almost wept.

"No, I have an extra one."

"Are you sure? He said he can 'trick out that foo' with some real bling-bling'"

"For the love of God no!" he yelled.

She was startled and Denzel finally snapped out of his day dream of being adopted and being far away.

Vincent cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry, but that will not be necessary"

He got up and left smoothly. He wanted to get home as soon as possible. When he reached the comfort of his mansion, he went upstairs and looked at his image in the mirror. What stared back made Vincent scream in horror. Needless to say his neighbors within a five block radius had to replace their windows that day.

* * *

A/N: well that was it. Barret was OOC but I couldn't help it (you'll notice he didn't curse because I'm saving that for Cid) I can't write him so I went all stereotypical. And don't worry, I am a minority as well, specifically Dominican so if I offended anyone who is black or found the chapter content offensive then I apologize in advance. After all, this is humor and I'm only trying to have some fun. (plus I live in the Bronx so if anyone has a problem I **will** get my peoples on you) just Joking! I'm too lazy to come after any flamers. So why don't you ignore my lame attempt at a joke/threat in the prior sentence and review? 

Chapter 7: Cid…because we all know how safe drinking and driving an airship really is.


	7. DUI

A/N: Thanks to everyone who's been so patient with this and for reviewing. I know that it's been a long time, but it's been work, work, work and no play. I swear AP literature owns my soul. But I found time to write this so here is chapter 7. I have two more chapters left and then Vinny will be put out of his misery.

**Spoiler: **And yes, I have heard of Dirge of Cerberus for those who are curious and I'm soooo happy that Reeve and Cait are in it. To tell the truth, I didn't even know Reeve was going to be in the game when I first started writing this fic and now that I know, it just makes me believe his obsession with Vincent. I mean Cait is in it following Vincent and stuff and I saw a part where Vincent wakes up and Reeve is there. These are signs people! Signs I tell you! (struggles with stray jacket) Vincent-n-Reeve foreva!

Anyhow, enjoy the chapter!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7 or Advent Children. But I own each demon's unique personality…Yay…I think.

* * *

Chapter Seven: DUI

At the moment, Vincent Valentine was walking down the street discreetly clad in his usual Goth/ supa-dupa fly cape/ your Nikes got nothing on my sharp metal shoes attire with the addition of a large red hat to hide the demonic beast that was now known as his hair. So far he thought he was doing a good job hiding his 'bad hair' day as only four women screamed in horror, two teens pointed and laughed and one small child cried.

It wasn't that bad right?

Nevertheless, it took several hours for him to tame the beast and unfortunately the dark luscious locks were now damaged beyond recognition. It was mostly his fault. After losing seven combs, twelve brushes and a blower in the massive jungle bush that was now his hair, he tried his hand at using different hair products. The results were life shattering as tubes of 100 percent pure alcohol hair gel, bed-head, crazy hair, 'ohmigod! It's Blonde!' (a bottle left behind by Cloud who would probably shake his head in denial vigorously all the while showing his roots in the process) 911 hair treatment (which smelt like coconuts and pineapple, because when we have a hair emergency, we want to smell as fruity and as tropical as possible), hot oil treatment and last but not least Tresseme had made his already crisp hair crunchy in some areas and curly/nappy in others.

He looked at the ends of his frizzy hair as he walked and paled.

Split ends.

Suddenly life was just not worth living.

His demons did not make the situation any better as each one affectionately named the monstrosity mass of hair a term of endearment. They claimed that it growled and snarled when aggravated and purred if it was petted. Vincent was in no mood in hearing all the facts revolving on how cute Fluffy (courtesy of Hellmasker) was.

'**_Vincent, you are not being nice to Fluffy, come on, he stops biting after you pet him'_** Hellmasker said trying to reason with the gunman.

'Leave me be!' Vincent scowled annoyed.

'**Ignore him Hellmasker; he's just angry that his Metrosexuality is down to 85 percent.'** Death Gias said.

'WELL, TECHNICALLY WITH THE ADDITION OF CURTIS, HIS METROSEXUALITY IS DOWN TO 75 PERCENT' Galian Beast roared.

'_**Who's Curtis?'**_

'**Mr. Bush-Bush.'** Death Gias laughed while pointing at Vincent's hair.

'**_But fluffy is cool'_** Hellmasker defended.

Vincent's hair, as if agreeing with Hellmasker, snarled and growled.

'**Lets not forget his whole 'oh I'm Vincent Valentine, the angst gunman who is doomed to spend eternity with a metal crappy arm and super fly demons in his head who remind him of how much of a loser he is because the only woman that he ever loved left him for some guy who's head can't be lifted off the floor for more than three inches because its so big' monologue that can get so annoying! Down to 65 percent. Oh wait, I forgot the whole 'I can't use a phone' thing, 25 percent.' **Death Gias amused.

'**_Wow Vincent, you're a failure'_** Hellmasker smiled as if it was a good thing.

'My metrosexuality is perfectly fine' Vincent said trying to put his foot down. 'And besides, looks aren't everything; I have confidence, which counts for something.'

'_15 percent' _Chaos said out of no where.

'What!'

'**Why 15 percent?'** Death Gias asked.

'_Eh, I felt like taking away some.'_

'**_Oh I have a good one!'_** Hellmasker said wanting to join the group. **_'His inability to use the cell phone!'_**

'**I already said that.'**

'**_So? Let's do it again so that it's all the more obvious that he can't do something that even Cloud can manage after sniffing a marker!' _**Hellmasker smiled.

Chaos and Death Gias burst out into hordes of laughter.

'**Burn!' **Death Gias managed to say through tears.

'Hellmasker,' Vincent warned.

'_**Oh and we can't forget his fear of gerbils.'**_

'_Gerbils? What the fu-'_

'Hellmasker!' Vincent yelled cutting Chaos off.

'HM…' Galian beast all the while was taking down the results. 'NOW VINCENT IS DOWN TO 0 percent.'

'_**Oh! And the fact that he has no real friends since comrades don't count because the people you worked with only tolerated you and us demons are only here because some one paid us to be your friend.'**_

'HELLMASKER!'

'**_Did I win the game?'_** Hellmasker questioned innocently.

Chaos and Death Gias could only lean on each other as they tried to struggle for air as they laughed.

'VINCENT YOU ARE DOWN TO NEGATIVE 15 PERCENT.'

Vincent pouted since that was what one did when your sole called friends betrayed you by listing your faults.

'**Don't worry dude, I mean, you still have us to make you cool.'** Death Gias said recovering a bit.

Vincent rolled his eyes.

'I beg to differ.'

'VINCENT, IT IS TRUE. WITH US, YOUR METROSEXUALITY GOES UP TO 99.9 PERCENT. THE REST OF COURSE CAN BE COMPENSATED WITH YOUR LOOKS… IF YOU HAD ANY.'

The rest of the demons roared in laughter. Vincent continued walking, ignoring the vein that threatened to pop on his forehead and finally made his way to Rocket Town.

The quest of his journey was to see if someone with the mental capacity of a normal human being could teach him how to use a cell phone. This person was none other than Shera. He did think of Red XIII at first but since he had no opposable thumbs Shera became his 'chosen one' by default.

But what met him at the air ship garage was something far from normal. It was in the form of curse words, a strong rum scent and thick cigar smoke. It was Cid Highwind.

Vincent shivered at the thought of communicating with this man. Nothing good ever came out of him. But his demons on the other hand…

'**Hey, it's Uncle Cid!'** Death Gias yelled.

…were a different story.

Cid looked up and blinked multiple times trying to convey who or what stood before him.

"Who the f$k are ya? Dianna Ross?"

"Cid, it is me. Vincent."

Cid raised an eyebrow and took a swig of his canteen.

"Look lady, last I heard you got busted for a DUI, I don't need ya crazy ass prentendin' to be that loser Valentine. If ya gonna pretend, be someone cool, like me" Cid puffed on his cigar and drank from his canteen at the same time. This resulted in him chocking and Vincent just watching not wanting to do anything.

Because as we all know, drinking and smoking at the same time is cool.

Vincent took off his hat in the hopes that Cid would recognize him better in his drunken state.

"Cid, it is me!" Vincent almost yelled.

His hair snarled, annoyed at being awaken from its nap.

"Valentine? What the f$k is that?" Cid asked pointing at his hair.

"I'd rather not say, but I came to request the assistance of Shera. I am hoping that she would know how to operate a cell phone."

"Well, ya $h!t outta luck cuz she ain't here."

"I wonder why." Vincent said eyeing his drunken comrade as he practically inhaled his cigar, took another swig from his canteen and belched.

"Shoot, I don't know either."

Vincent felt awkward. He wanted to leave and suddenly his feet talking some steps backwards. Thank god for survival instincts.

"Where ya going? Come on, I'll teach ya how to use a cell phone ya damn Telephonophoniac."

'**Whoa, was that a curse?'** Death Gias asked surprised that Cid would know such a large word.

'_Don't know, it sounded degrading enough.'_ Chaos responded.

'**Cool.'**

Vincent ignored his demons and the ill comment and followed Cid on to his airship.

* * *

Vincent stood in front of the clean windows of the air ship as Cid drove all the while drinking. He was astonished at the fact that the trip to run some errands was smooth despite Cid's drunken state. He concluded that the pilot had driven drunken one too many a time. 

He sighed as he looked at the cell phone in his hand. Was he ready to deal with Cid's tutorial after all he'd been through?

A loud sound of something making contact with thick glass interrupted his thoughts. He looked up startled to see a dead bird. He hoped that Cid didn't accidentally fly into a flock of them.

Bam.

Another bird.

Slam. Slam.

Two more birds.

Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud.

Four more birds?

"What the hell is going on?" Cid said putting in another cigar in his mouth. Now he had two. Now he was double cool.

Vincent wanted to know as well as the birds kept coming and aiming for his head. His hair growled in response.

'I THINK THE BIRDS THINK THAT CURTIS IS A NEST' Galian Beast said scratching his chin in thought.

'**Ew, who would want to set house in Mr. Bush-Bush'**

Vincent raised an eyebrow at his hypocritical demons that** lived** inside of him.

"Goddamn it Valentine, get away from those windows, ya hair is pissing them off! Those motherf$kers are destroying my baby! I don't go through blood, sweat and tears into paying Shera to clean those Goddamn windows for nothing Vampy!"

Vincent backed away slowly, trying hard to not attract anymore birds that were still pilling up upon the bodies on the already dead ones. He walked quickly towards Cid who was trying to turn the ship into another direction.

"Now, where's that f$ker you were yammering about." Cid said taking a puff on both cigars and letting go of the wheel.

"I have it here," Vincent said giving it to him. "Aren't you going to put the ship in auto pilot?"

"$h!t, I ain't stupid; I can drink and drive at the same time."

This was not comforting to Vincent in anyway.

"Now lookie here, don't be a dumbass and space out like Cloud, I'm not going to repeat myself so listen."

The fact that he taught Cloud how to use a phone was not comforting either.

Vincent saw the wheel of the ship violently turn to the right and felt the ship jerk left. He fell backwards but held on to the grid metal floor. Cid was still standing still in front of the wheel.

"You need to press this f$ker here to activate this $h!t so you can call that one friend you have you f$king loser."

The ship dipped forward. Vincent's hand slipped from its grip and he flew towards the glass. His hair growled at the dead birds. Vincent looked up to see if Cid was anywhere and the man was still at his place explaining the features of the phone all the while smoking, drinking and trying to turn the wheel.

"Then you press this $h!t so it can do some crap and when it f$king does this you press that f$ker over there to leave a f$king message."

Vincent tried his best to climb upwards to meet with the pilot, who seemed to be breaking all the laws of physics by standing straight all the while ignoring the ship that was plummeting down to land promising death.

He was finally able to reach the drunken pilot as he called for Shera who obviously wasn't there to explain to him why the 'f$king screen was blinking incoming call from Reeve'. Vincent managed to hold on to Cid's foot.

The ship was pulled upwards before hitting the ground. This action made Vincent's hair make contact with Cid's calf. His hair or Buddy (courtesy of Chaos) quickly began to bite said calf, thinking it was an enemy. Cid screamed in pain dropping both cigars into the savage bush.

Vincent smelt smoke.

'**The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!'** Death Gias sang

'_We don't need no water let the mother f$ker burn! _Chaos responded.

"**_What?"_** Hellmasker screamed in horror.

"**Burn, baby burn!"**

"**_Fluffy? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"_**

"What the f$k is that! Get this $h!t off me!" Cid dropped the phone and crimson eyes saw the device brake…just like his heart…tear.

The pilot proceeded to stomp on the smoldering bush of hair as it tried to eat his calf. Vincent tried to hold on as long as possible as he felt the ship violently turn right.

Finally, gravity noticed the drunken pilot and managed to knock him down. The canteen of rum fell out of his grasp and into Vincent's hair. The bush burst into a rainbow of flames as it screamed in pain. Cid managed to stand up and stomp on repeatedly on the flames. Vincent tried to speak up but as he saw the thick heavy boot come towards his face, he, like in all situations in which his looks are in danger, blacked out.

* * *

When Vincent woke up, he was met with Shera. She touched his forehead and raised an eyebrow. 

"Hey, are you ok?"

Vincent could still smell smoke in the air and concluded that he was now bald. He choked down his tears as his hand went to his head to see the damage.

Long silky hair past through his fingers.

'IT LOOKS AS IF THE FIRE REACTED TO ALL THE CHEMICALS YOU'VE PUT IN YOUR HAIR ALONG WITH CID'S RUM. EACH, IN THEIR OWN UNIQUE WAY, FUELED THE FIRE WITH ENOUGH IONS THAT IT CHANGED THE PHYSICAL COMPONET OF EACH HAIR STRAND. ALSO, CID'S STOMPING ON IT REPEATEDLY TAMED THE SAVAGE BEAST.'

'In other words?' Vincent asked already bored with Galian Beast's explanation. He stopped and thought for a while. Since when did _he _have ADD? He felt like he was one step away from becoming Cloud. He shivered.

'**In other words, your hair got relaxed.'** Death Gias said rolling his eyes bored as well.

Vincent was happy. His 'I'm too cool for this $h!t' exterior was intact! A tear of joy trickled down his smooth ivory cheek and gently kissed his soft lips…

"Are you crying?"

He cleared his throat and pulled himself together.

"Where is Cid?" he asked hoping she didn't notice his 'moment'.

Shera rolled her eyes.

"Cursing up a storm somewhere I'm sure of it. Oh here, before I forget," Shera took out a cell phone from her pocket and handed it to Vincent. "To compensate for Cid."

"I'm afraid I'm not familiar with this phone…" he said eyeing the large phone that was armed with a thick rubber. It said Nextel on it.

"…may I ask for a tutorial?" he peered into her eyes. Hopefully his super charged metrosexual eyes were enough to convince her.

"Sorry Vincent." She blinked.

Damn it.

"But I have to clean the windows of the ship for some reason."

Vincent winced.

"But I know who you can go to," she reached into her pocket again and took out a card. "This is where I got this phone. They are great with showing you how to use it."

"Thank you." He said slipping the card into his pocket.

He walked out, trying to ignore Cid who was now smoking four cigars and trying to stick the canteen in as well.

"Valentine! You wouldn't f$king believe it! Dianna Ross was here and her crazy ass hair tried to eat me and shit!"

Vincent's eye twitch and he pressed forward. Hopefully, he would be able to learn how to use the phone before his blood pressure reached his norm of 165 by noon.

In the distance, Cait hung up after explaining to his master that the phone that he had tried so hard to trace the number to (so that his master could call Mr. Valentine) was now destroyed. But it was not to be mourned though.

He smiled as he saw Vincent make a right

Soon his master will go through his plan.

* * *

A/N: Well that was it. This story is rated T so I didn't want to push it by going over board with the curses and thus the symbols etc. 

Some quick notes for those who are curious.

A **Telephonophoniac **is a person who fears phones.

A regularly person with normal blood pressure has a count of 120 over 180…if a person has 165 out of the 180 they are technically **dead.**

The next chapter will have two parts but will still be considered one. I hope you guys enjoyed and remember to review.

Chapter 8:

Part one: The Turks… because when you were a part of an organization that made you work for a man that turned you into the hideous monster that you are, it helps to go back to forgive and forget.

Part two: Vincent goes on a blind date with Reeve, since you know, love is blind…and so is obsession. Vincent-n-Reeve foreva!


End file.
